Happy 16th Birthday Erin Marie

16 Things I Think Jesus Would Want You to Know:

1.    You are loved:  Unconditionally, fully, more than you know, always…no matter what.  Nothing can separate you from His love for you.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:37-39

2.    Because you are loved Jesus wants to be your first love…No other love will satisfy your heart – so seek to love Him more everyday.

“Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.”  Deuteronomy 6:5

3.    Every time you look in the mirror, remember…You were created for a purpose:  Jesus has a plan and purpose for your life that is unique to you.  No one can be you.  Therefore, no one can fulfill the purpose for which God has created you.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’S purpose that prevails.”  Psalm19:21

4.    He is Sovereign:  Jesus has orchestrated all the details of your life.  Though you may not understand His ways – He is perfect and His good plans for you will prevail.  He already knows what your future holds so don’t worry about it…just follow Him and He will lead you right into all that He has for you.

“For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.  From birth I have relied on You; You brought me forth from my mother’s womb.  I will ever praise You.”  Psalm 71:5-6

5.    You are never alone…He is always with you – always.

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  Deuteronomy 31:8

6.    You are limited but He is limitless – You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

“He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation.  For by Him all things were created; things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Him and for Him.  He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:15-17

7.    You are beautiful…With a heart for Jesus your outer beauty radiates even more fully.  Man looks at the outward appearance but the LORD looks at the heart.

“The LORD does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”  1 Samuel 16:7

8.    Put your expectations in Jesus alone – People will let you down but He won’t.  When you put your hope and faith in Him, you can expect Him to fulfill His plan – and you will not be disappointed.

“…And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”  Romans 5:5

9.    You are forgiven…For all you have done – past, present, future – you are forgiven.  You don’t have to try to be good enough…or earn your way to God.  Jesus loves you and He has already forgiven you for all that separated you from Him.  So don’t carry around unforgiveness…forgive everyone, every time just as Jesus has forgiven you.

“In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.” Ephesians 1:7-8

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”  Colossians 3:13

10. Cry, laugh, scream…Come to Him with everything – If you’re mad – tell Him. If you’re confused come to Him. If you’re thankful, joyful; share it with Him.  Jesus loves spending time with you.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”  Psalm 139:23-24

11. Walk by faith – Not by sight…Things will happen in your life that you will not understand.  Jesus wants you to trust that His plan is good even when it appears otherwise.  He is trustworthy and faithful.

“Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

12. Drink a lot of water…yes the good water you have come to love but even better than that is the Living Water…Jesus – the Word.  There are treasures in the Bible waiting to be discovered – dive in and drink deep.

“If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink.  Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.”  John 7:37-38

13. Every day is one day closer to seeing Him face to face.

“Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.  Psalm 90:12

14. God has already picked a husband for you…So you don’t have to worry or think about it at all, (but pray, of course).  Remember when a girl is hidden in Christ – the boy must seek Him in order to find her.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7

15. You are not allowed to text and drive – Do not follow the driving example your parents have been for you.  You should not put mascara on while driving like your mother does.  And you should not listen to classic rock music while driving like your father does. (LOL)

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

16. LOVE Jesus – and Love life…You have one life to live for Him…enjoy this moment…enjoy being 16 fantastic years old.  Enjoy each and every breath.

“In His hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.” Job 12:10

I LOVE YOU…

He’s dead…

(This was meant to be posted yesterday but because of computer issues I was unable to post until today)

He’s dead!

The headlines read:

“Osama Bin Laden is dead, President Obama announced Sunday night, in a televised address to the nation. His death was the result of a U.S. operation launched today in Abbottabad, Pakistan, against a compound where bin Laden was believed to be hiding, according to U.S. intelligence. After a firefight, a small team of American forces killed Bin Laden and took possession of his body, the president said.” (Huffington Post/AOL.com)

“The news of Osama bin Laden’s death prompted some of the biggest, starkest headlines in the world’s newspapers in recent memory. While papers in Europe and the East went to press too late to get the late-breaking story on their front pages, newspapers across North and South America ripped up their front pages at a moment’s notice and splashed huge stories.” (Huffington Post/Aol.com)

If you live on this planet and have either television, radio or Internet access—you’ve heard.  This morning while driving my two daughters to school is when I found out.  The first words that came out of my mouth were “Thank God.”

After I dropped the girls off, I immediately put XM news on and checked my Twitter feed so I could get the full scoop.  Switching back and forth from CNN to Fox News I listened.  I heard a father proclaim vindication over the loss of his son killed on September 11^th, 2001. I listened, cried and even sang along as soldiers from West Point sang the National Anthem. Story after story filled the airwaves.

We’re all listening and watching, and we’ll never forget this day. Just like we’ll never forget September 11, 2001.

The horror, hatred and evil.

The devastation.

The tears, sorrow and grief.

Terrorism.

Vengeance.

So much wrapped up into one day…

And today…

Has dawned another day we will not forget.

I don’t actually sit and ponder over all of this until I have my journal and Bible in hand.  And this is what I write:

“Osama Bin Laden dead.  The terrorist of our time is dead.  Lord, the breath of all mankind is in Your hands… You took his breath away.  How do You feel about this?  How am I supposed to feel about this?  Did I ever pray for this man? Or did I just hate him like most everyone else in this world.  I’m perplexed by how I feel right now. My heart aches all over again for the families who lost loved ones on September 11, and for those who have given their lives for freedom’s sake. And so, I’m thankful and the first words out of my mouth when I heard were “Thank God.” I thanked You for the death of this man.  And now I’m thinking about all of this, knowing that I can’t make sense of it all, but I’m praying and pondering. What I know of Hell from Your Word—a forever separated from You, is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. Yet, those who choose to reject Your Son, Jesus, choose Hell—they choose an eternity separated from You. And so this man is gone from this world and yet the root of all evil and its master, Satan are still at work.  Because we war not against flesh and blood, against the Osama Bin Laden’s of this world. Instead, our struggle is against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12). Peace only comes through the Prince of Peace.  Your Word proclaims that You love justice. (Psalm 33:5)  You will judge the world in righteousness; You will govern the peoples with justice. (Psalm 9:8)  Nothing can thwart Your plans over all the earth and in our very lives.  Lord, help us to gain a heart of wisdom in all of this as Your people.  Help us to know You in a deeper way as a result of this news—this death.  Teach us how to number our days, to be the city on a hill that shines the light of Your glory in the midst of darkness…”

In addition, I couldn’t help but feel the intensity of the comments of former president, George W. Bush, on who’s watch this all escalated. His words were among the more thought provoking responses I read as he remarked, “The fight against terror goes on, but tonight America has sent an unmistakable message: No matter how long it takes, justice will be done.”[1]

The reason that moved me so deeply is that it’s true, but not merely in the manner Mr. Bush expressed. We will all appear before the throne of the Lord Jesus one day, either as our Savior or our Judge. Justice was meted out for all at the cross where our crimes against the Most High God were paid for in full. And for those who scorn this priceless gift, they will instead appear before the highest court in history to have their lives spread out in judgment—from their thoughts, to their motives, to their secrets, and the deeds they led to. Can we even fathom or comprehend God’s sorrow over a man (or woman) who could have been forgiven, saved and sanctified…yet chose not to be.

Finally, in what I felt was a staggering example of mercy triumphing over judgment, (James 2:13), the United States of America took the body of this bloodthirsty, gutless wonder, placed it on the USS Carl Vinson, and actually showed this murderous terrorist the respect of following traditional Islamic procedures in putting him to rest. His remains were reportedly washed and placed in a white sheet then placed into the North Arabian Sea. We didn’t have to show that kind of respect to a man who showed us none.

Wow!  I wasn’t going to take the time to write up a journal/blog about all this—but I couldn’t help it. In fact, when I was posting this I initially used bin Laden’s picture but got such an eerie feeling that I couldn’t follow through, I had to change the picture.  Weird. I’m curious to know what you’re all thinking.  So please do share.

[1] http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110502/ap_on_re_us/us_bin_laden_bush_reaction_3

Hunter’s room…and running

I just got off the phone with Jim.

“Get Hunter’s bedroom ready, we’re going to have an overnight guest tonight.” He informs.

My initial reaction to this (although I don’t say anything) is “Ugh, I don’t have time for this.  I’ve got eight meatloaves to make for his Spring hunting camp this weekend. I’m heading to Pennsylvania tomorrow for an overnight speaking engagement.  Now this.”

Needless to say my attitude stinks–I know this.  And I admit, I wish my heart’s response was more Christ-like. But it wasn’t. Regardless, that’s not what this is about.

I want to talk about Hunter’s room, and running…

We have a room in our new home decorated exactly how Hunter’s room looked in our previous home.  You can see from the picture that he had a very boyish, rustic Noah’s ark theme.  Because God keeps His promises—and I need to remember this, often.

So I’m down in Hunter’s room pulling the sheets off the bed, organizing the room, noticing the dust everywhere and the emptiness of a room void of life…

…and everything else Hunter but memories.

All I want to do is stop and cry but my body and mind tell me to run…

And keep running.

Get that bed made and get out of that room.

Why?

I want to stop running.

I feel like I’ve been running since the day he took his last breath, since that beautiful summer day in 2005…

I’ve been running.

And running…

And running…

I turn the radio station when…

Those songs come on.

I don’t watch the videos or…look at certain pictures.

I don’t let my heart and mind go there for too long…

Because, well I can’t…or

Maybe I’m afraid.

Why?

I’m tired of running!

Actually, I’m just tired period.

And so today…

Well, today is the day.

I’m done.

I’m marking it on the calendar of my heart.

I’m not going to run anymore.

I’m going to sit in that room and cry, for as long as I want to…

For as long as He wants me to.

I’m going to listen to those songs…

Every single one of them.

I’m going to watch all the old videos.

I’m going to pull out all the pictures and get them scrapbook ready.

I’m going to stop.

And I know that when I do, He’ll carry me—like He did yesterday…

Like He did since my very first breath…

Like He will until I see Him face to face…

UNTIL I SEE HUNTER AGAIN.

Why?

BECAUSE HE PROMISED!

I imagine that you might be running too—for too long.  And maybe you’ll consider for this moment that it’s time for you to stop too.  Right where you are in this journey!

Will you stop?

Will you let Him into all that you’re running from?  Will you let Him carry you and cover you with grace?  Will you let Him be for you all that He has promised?

Can we do this together?

No matter what it costs in time and tears, will you stop running?

thoughts on prayer…

I was recently asked the following questions regarding prayer.  Honestly, I thought I could whip through these in no time…but that’s not what happened…not at all.  What I realized after answering these questions is this…prayer is way more than we can fully comprehend.  I have a feeling that God wants me to back off my prayer routine and get back into intimacy with Him.  If we’re not careful we can easily fall into the complacency trap, where prayer becomes just something we do from time to time void of real authentic relationship.

How would you define “prayer”?

Defining prayer is not as easy as you would think.  Most people (myself included) would probably describe prayer as communing with and talking to God.  But, if you really stop and think about it, prayer is a most profound mystery. The Creator and Sustainer of all reaches into our lives through relationship…intimate, personal, love relationship. It’s outrageous!  He beckons us to come…without ceasing into His presence.  Who can comprehend the breadth and depth of what the Lord has done to make a way for us to come to Him through prayer. Prayer is so much more than anything we might attempt to define it as.

What does prayer look like in your life?

Prayers looks like:

Tears…silence…laughter…frustration…praise…adoration…

love…

desperation…submission…repentance…surrender…freedom!

Prayer looks like all of me…clinging to all of Jesus.

Prayer is getting real with God…whenever…wherever…forever.

For those who have never had an active prayer life, or perhaps prayer is something that the priests “do” in church, but they have not engaged in at home, how would you suggest getting started?

First of all…you need to know and believe that God desires to spend time with you.

He is listening.

Your prayers aren’t bouncing off the ceiling into no-where land.

HE HEARS YOU!

There’s no secret prayer formula you need to meticulously follow.

Just be yourself and talk to God.

I love journaling, so I would also suggest writing your prayers down.  When you do this you will also have a written account of the many ways in which the Lord has answered your prayers.

How often do you pray?

Well…It seems like I pray without ceasing.

Seriously, I’m either thinking about or talking to God all the time.  Thoughts of Him consume me.

I also have a morning quiet time.

I usually get sort of cranky when I miss out on quiet time.  It’s the most vital part of my day for so many reasons.  God knows how desperate I am for those moments when I can bathe in the water of His Word.  I need Him!

For those who have perhaps gotten away from an active prayer life and feel as if God seems a little “distant” at the moment, what suggestions do you have for reconnecting to God in prayer?

Just do it!  Pour out your heart to the One who knows you and loves you like crazy!

He will never leave you nor forsake you.

God’s not like us.  He’s not waiting for you to jump threw hoops of fire to try and get to Him.  He gave it all just to be with you.

He’s waiting.

What was prayer/did prayer mean to you during your hardest life moments:  In your relationship with Jim, in your experiences with Hunter and the challenges he faced, in being a mom to two young girls?!

Honestly, all of the above motivate me to pray more.  God knows…and He cares. What great comfort I find in His arms knowing that His plan for us is good.  The life circumstances that Christ has allowed me to experience thus far have helped me learn countless lessons in the school of prayer.

If prayer is spending time with God…then prayer is everything to me…and more!

I would love for you to share your answers to these questions with me:)

Mad at Jesus…

(I thought this picture would work great for this journal blog.  This is Camryn’s newborn photo.  Doesn’t she look like she’s ready to knock somebody out:). I love this picture of her.)

A few nights ago, my youngest daughter, Camryn and I were settling into bed at the end of a long winter’s day.  Through the frosted window, we tried to count the dancing snowflakes as they drifted gently through the sky in a silent chorus, landing quietly upon the blanket of white already covering our yard. Daddy was out of town and Erin was sleeping over at a friend’s house.  We had the whole house to ourselves so the music of Cam and I giggling was the only sound that intruded into the soothing hush of this deep midwinter’s night.  It was late, well after midnight and perfect timing for one of those sleepy, late night, deep mother/daughter conversations.

As we held hands and prayed, I couldn’t help but reflect on how very tender my daughter’s heart is. I’ve come to appreciate her vulnerability, especially in seeking God. Like all parents it’s easy for me to recognize and treasure the Lord’s unique handiwork in each of my children, and her tender honesty is one of the things I love best about Camryn.  Because of that, praying with her is always its own really special gift and sometimes it’s a downright adventure.

We joined our hearts humbling them before the Lord when Camryn turned toward me and softly murmured, “I miss Hunter.”

Her adorable face was so close to mine that I could count her freckles.  Before I could say anything she whispered, “I wonder what his voice sounds like”

After pondering the sound of Hunter’s heavenly voice, Cam turned to face the ceiling.

“Mommie, do you ever get mad at Jesus?”

I was stunned by both her honesty and insight. It was a real question and it deserved a real answer so I snuggled up next to her in silence and thought about what she was asking—and why…

Have I ever been mad at Jesus?

After what seemed like a long, jagged, awkward hush as I reached for the words, I answered her.

“Cam,” I said haltingly, “I don’t think I’ve ever been mad at Jesus but I’ve been very sad and confused because of the things that I believe He has allowed to happen in my life. Like Hunter being gone.”

(Reflecting upon this, I now see how politically correct (or faithfilled) I was trying to be…ugh)

I guess that was enough for Camryn because she kissed me, said, “Goodnight mommie,” and turned the other way.

…and I just lay there.

Feeling like I had fallen into a very deep—

Very bottomless question…

A question that I couldn’t climb out of.

“Have I ever been mad at you Lord?” I wondered in silent prayer.

Though I couldn’t come up with an answer on the spot, the truth is that even if we were furious at God at any given time, He was big enough to handle our anger…

…without compromising His love for us.

I’m a huge fan of David, the king of Israel, writer of some of my favorite Psalms, the one who danced undignified because he could not contain his love for the Lord… the man after God’s own heart.  He was authentic—

And I like authentic people.

I like to know that I’m talking to you.

Not your best version of you.

Not the one with the most decorative veneer.

Or the one that spins most admirably among your circle.

David poured out the inner most depths of his heart…

Because he could risk it.

Because he knew the God he cried out to.

He knew that no matter what—he was loved and accepted.

With all his hang-ups, defects, and failures…

David knew God.

I think knowing God, not head knowledge but heart intimacy, allows us to get real with the God we know.

Even when getting real means getting mad

At God.

He already knows and sees the depth of who we are.

And He absolutely loves us without restraint anyway.

This is incredible news.

Because it sets us free, to be who we are and to feel what we feel

All because of Jesus.

All because we’re loved for who we are

Jesus made a way for us to be authentic with God.

Because of Jesus…

All

because

of

Him.

Without A Word – Book Club Question #5

Found the book a very moving experience. I am interested in knowing how you balance everything in your life now — public appearances, getting the girls off to school, the girls missing school to be part of the public appearances, spending time with Jim and most of all having time to spend alone to recharge?

~Mary Ann

I laughed when I read this question from Mary Ann.

Finding balance is an every day challenge.  In fact, I think it’s safe to assume that we all have a laundry list of places we need to be and things we have to do.  If we’re not careful the cares of this world and the, “To do list” in front of us can take precedence over what’s most important in this life.

I don’t have this all figured out—not even close.

There are days when I think to myself, “Just forget it, I can’t do this.”

Truth is, I can’t do it.

I need help.

I’m a work in progress for sure.

I need direction and guidance.

I need boundaries and people in my life to help me keep them.

Of all the intimate relationships that I have, my relationship with Christ must come first.  I guard and protect my “quiet time” with the Lord—or using Mary Ann’s words “having time to spend alone to recharge”. I need Jesus.  Spending time with Him in prayer and Bible reading is my greatest need and joy.  I absolutely love Jim and my three children more than words can say and spending time with them is something I cherish, need, and always make time for.  But, my relationship with the One who knows me like no other must come first.  He is life to me.  All of the other relationships I have will fall apart if my relationship with Him is not my first and greatest priority.  He must be my first love!

This is not always easy.

I need help and so I ask for it.

There’s no doubt that I cannot do this on my own.  I’m certain of my need for guidance and wisdom as well as patience and everything else.  God is the supplier of all our needs and we can rest knowing that His well of sufficiency will not run dry.  He is the only one able to make grace abound in the midst of our circumstances.  He takes care of the balancing act of life.

But, here’s the thing, He must come first.

In my experience, when He’s leading and I’m following (or clinging to Him for dear life) I’m okay.  In fact, despite whatever it is I’m going through, I’m better than okay—I’m safe in His arms.  He’s got my back and my “to do list.”   He sees the big picture and knows the intimate and timely details of life.  My times are in His hands.  When I don’t know what to do—He does.

And so I ask you this very question, How do you balance everything in your life now?

One More Time…

I was checking out some of the auction items when I noticed a wheel chair stroll into the room.

“Chance is here!”  I whispered as I picked up the train of my skirt and scurried over to him as fast as I could.

“Chance you look like such a gentleman, so incredibly handsome for the Hunter’s Hope Ball tonight.”

And he did.  I checked him out from head to toe and he looked great. Despite whatever Krabbe disease was trying to do on the inside of this precious boy’s body…he was radiant.  I immediately started running my fingers through Chance’s thick auburn hair.  He reminds me so much of Hunter, I can hardly stand it.  His big boy teeth, beautiful fair, Irish skin…and that hair, all so similar to my boy.  Whenever I get the pleasure of spending time with Chance, which is usually just once a year during the summer months at our Hunter’s Hope Family and Medical Symposium, I look forward to running my fingers through that hair.

So this night was no different.

“I’m so thankful you’re here Chance.  I love you so much—I could just squeeze you all night,” I said smiling. Scooting my skirt up enough to get right on the floor next to Chance, I maneuvered myself as close as I could to that strikingly handsome boy.

While I continued to love on my dear friend, Chance, my daughter Erin came over to say hello.  Like me, she couldn’t resist running her fingers through his gorgeous hair.

“Oh my goodness,” I said looking into his deep greenish, bluish hazel eyes, “Chance, I’m so busy talking to you that I completely forgot about your mother!”  As Erin bent down to get closer to her little buddy, I hugged Anne, Chance’s mother. I told her how healthy I thought Chance looked —so radiant and strong.

I was so thankful that they had come and made sure to let her know how much I appreciated it. This was the first time they had ever been to the Hunter’s Hope Candlelight Ball, and you could tell they were thrilled to be with us.  Anne looked absolutely beautiful! Beneath her elegance you’d never know the severe toll taken by the countless hours of caring for Chance, day in and day out. Oddly, though I had spent many moments with Anne, tonight she had a glow about her I will never forget. And though I could have spent the evening caressing his hair and searching through his eyes, I reluctantly had to let Chance mingle with the rest of our guests.  It’s hard letting go, even if only for a short time.

As the evening progressed, I found that all I could think about was my buddy Chance.  I just wanted to sit and talk to him, hold his hand, and yes, run my fingers through his hair.   But I couldn’t.  We were in the middle of a black tie event and Jim and I had announcements to share, money to raise, and people to greet.  So we carried on…

Towards the end of the event, it was time for the special necklace drawing.  Every year a one-of-a-kind piece of jewelry is graciously donated to the auction.  This year, in order to participate in the drawing, you had to purchase a copy of Without A Word or donate a copy of the book back to the Foundation to be given to a Krabbe family. The necklace was stunning and I’m not even a big jewelry fan.  My daughter, Camryn, was chosen to pick the winner of the evening.  The suspense was electric as she stirred the tickets and reached for the winner. When she finished reading off the numbers, there was a holler from the back of the room and a woman in black stood to her feet.

It was Anne!

I fought back the tears as Anne walked to the front of the sprawling ballroom to claim her prize. And as Jim reached toward her holding the shimmering necklace in its modest black box, the room erupted with cheers.

Chance’s mom had won the one-of-a-kind necklace.  Of all the tickets that fought their way to the top of the bag hoping to get picked, it was Chance’s mom’s number that Camryn selected.  Unbelievable!  What are the odds?

As I hugged her like I never have before, I could sense Anne’s joy.  It was a good night—a very good night.

Soon after the drawing, Jim did what he does every year at the Ball.  With the Buffalo Bills “Shout” song as a loud backdrop Jim hurled autographed footballs into the crowded room.  It’s fun and our sponsors love it. The football goes soaring through the air and if you drop it—it’s $100 donation to Hunter’s Hope.  What’s even more fun for most is catching a football from a Hall of Fame quarterback—my husband!

Amidst the high-voltage excitement and the “Shout” song, Jim roared out “My buddy Chance,” above the noise.  Again, the crowd erupted as Jim tucked the football under his arm and wove his way threw the tables to hand deliver a football to Chance.  Every eye in the place was on the boy in the wheelchair.  And for those who knew and loved that boy—our hearts were so full.

What a night!

Eventually the Hunter’s Hope Ball ended, much to our dismay.  It was a night to remember.  And far too soon became a night we would never forget…

Before Anne and Chance drove off I was able to snag a little more snuggle-love time. I’ll say this; I can’t get enough of Chance.  Any amount of time I get to spend with him is a treasure.

As we drove home, we talked about what a great time we all had.

The last thing I remember saying that night was this:  “Chance made tonight extra special.”

Four days later as I was doing the early drive to school, my phone rang.  I looked at the number and didn’t recognize it so I didn’t answer the call.  I figured if the person really needed to get a hold of me, they’d leave a message.

And she did.

It was Anne.

Chance had passed away.

I continued to drive as tears poured down my cheeks.

The only words I could muster at the time, I said over and over again. “I can’t believe it, I just can’t believe it…”

And as I write this, the day after finding out about our buddy Chance, I still can’t believe it.

By faith, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will see Chance again.  Yes, and I can only imagine what he and Hunter are doing even now.

Even so,

I still can’t believe it.

I can’t believe that God would be so gracious to allow us to see Chance one more time…

to snuggle and love on him one more time…

To run my fingers through his thick auburn hair…

One more time…

I can’t believe that the last time I saw him he was radiant…

The star of the show…

So full of life…

Was this just a glimpse of what was to come for Chance now dressed in Heaven’s finest?

I can’t believe Anne won the necklace. Of all the guests in attendance that evening—HE picked her.

And while my heart is broken all over again, with pain so real and raw it makes breathing difficult…

This one thing I can believe…

God is good.

God is so good.

Please pray for Anne…

Pray as she grieves.

Thank you.

…weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

Without A Word – Book Club Question #4

Question for Jim – Most fathers want to protect their families…my husband is struggling with the fact that he can’t “fix” our son – he has stage IV brain cancer.  He doesn’t like not knowing what is going to happen. Do you have any advice or words of wisdom on how to deal with such tragedies to your only son? (This is our only son too) (Susan)

Jim was away hunting but I finally got him to stay put so I could ask him this question.  Jim is not one for going deep unless you tie him down and threaten to take away all his hunting time…just kidding.

What I’ve come to learn (the hard way most of the time) is this…men and women deal with deep brokenness and heartache completely different.

When Hunter was diagnosed I heaped expectations on Jim that he was unable and never meant to fulfill.  It was dreadfully hard for us in so many ways.  We were both so desperate.  We were completely crushed in spirit.  Our hearts were ruined.  Our one and only son was dying.

How does anyone deal with this news?  Is there a right or wrong way to navigate through such a life shattering circumstance?

Jim dealt with everything in the only way he knew how at the time (and he’s still working through it all).  The pain of losing a child never goes away.  Jim is a different man now as a result of Hunter’s life and death.  We’re all different.  We’ve been changed in ways we never would have been had Hunter not been diagnosed with a fatal disease.

Sorry I got carried away, as usual.

Here’s Jim’s answer to this very real and poignant question.

“This is hard to answer.  I still wish that Hunter was here and healthy.  We’d be getting ready for deer camp right now and it would be incredible.  But, he’s not here.

As much as I wanted to help my son, I couldn’t and that killed me.  I did the best that I could to be there for Hunter but to be honest with you it never seemed like it was enough.  I never had a peace in my heart about all of this until I finally trusted God.  Sometimes it’s hard to explain what it feels like when you do give God all of your struggles.

I’ve stopped trying to make sense of everything that happened to Hunter.  I don’t understand God’s ways but through all of this I’ve come to learn that more than anything, I need God.  The pain hurts sometimes so much that if I didn’t believe God was real…it would be worse than I can explain.

I know there are a lot of families out there going through what Jill and I went through.  It’s horrible, there’s no doubt about it.  But, there really is hope.  It wasn’t until we found hope that we were really able to live.  And even though Hunter was suffering – he was able to live too.  He never gave up and he taught all of us to never ever give up… no matter how bad your circumstances are – God is there.”

I want you to know that Jim and I hurt with you.  We know the pain of what it’s like to walk through life not knowing what each day – what each moment might hold.

But the truth is  – no matter what your circumstances are right now; HE holds time and eternity in His hands…and He holds you. Every single breath we take comes from God.  We did everything we possibly could for Hunter – and yet God determined his last breath.  This brings me incredible comfort.

Rather than try and figure it all out I choose to run to Him because He knows, He cares and He radiates light in the midst of my deep darkness.  I will never fully understand His ways but I know Him more today than I did yesterday…and knowing Him is greater than questions answered.

Susan, thank you for the question.  We’ll be praying for your family.

One day at a time…one prayer at a time!

Press on with HOPE!

Without A Word – Book Club Question #3…Why did you write Without A Word?

In almost every interview Jim & I have done, this question inevitably gets asked…”Why did you write the book?”

Some of you may have already watched this video that answers this very question.  If you have yet to see this, I hope it gives you some insight into why we chose to share our story through Without A Word.  But, in addition to the answer that I give in this short clip, I’d like to add what I said in a previous facebook post…I wrote Without A Word – How a Boy’s Unspoken Love Changed Everything because Hunter’s couldn’t and his story needed to be told.

One last comment – We all have a story.

When all is said and done, your life…my life, will tell a story.

What kind of story are you telling right now?

Beyond Measure…the missing chapter.

When I wrote Without A Word, the completed manuscript was well over 100,000 words.  Yikes.  Thank God for editors.  What follows here is one of the deleted chapters.  I had a struggle letting this one go but eventually realized that my mother was woven so perfectly throughout the overall story.

But here it is…the missing chapter!

April 19, 2001- Today is my mom and dad’s anniversary.  They’ve been married 32 years and they’re still going strong, thank God.  I don’t know what I would do without my mom.  She keeps on giving and giving some more.  She’s so selfless. How does she do it?  Her joy is abundant and peace radiates from her.  Please protect her and keep her Lord. You know I fear losing her – she’s the only one who seems to understand me (except for You of course). I want to be an encouragement to her like she is to me–like she is to all of us.  She’s so amazing with the kids – especially Hunter.  I love the way he looks at her–if she wasn’t my mother I would be jealous of his love for her…

She was just eighteen and fresh out of high school when she had me.  Certainly she never pondered over what her life might become as a result of bringing me into the world.  My mom and dad were just trying to make ends meet.  They were trying to raise my brother Jack and I while growing up themselves for heaven’s sake.  It must have been so trying, and yet the struggles she faced as a young mother of two were nothing compared to the ordeal of being Hunter’s grandma.

I have so many memories of my mother, none more precious than watching her love my son.   This love was a love that everyone could see and feel when they were around my mother and Hunter. When they were together, the warmth of that love would emanate from them.  I learned how to be a better mom by observing my mother care for and be a grandmother to my three children.

During the most devastating time of our family’s journey she stood strong and confident for all of us, even though I knew she wanted to crumble.

One distinct memory of my mother I hold dear to my heart and will never forget was when Hunter was just three years old. He was really sick and struggling so much we thought for sure he was going to die.  His breathing was very shallow and we had done everything we knew to do for him at the time.  In order to monitor his breathing, my mother and I took turns holding Hunter throughout the night.  It was a long night, but we did it together and Hunter ended up going into the hospital by ambulance early the next morning.  I’ll never forget that night with my mom.  We cried, prayed, and even sang to Hunter all night long.

We did all of this together. There was no taking turns so that one of us could rest, we put our efforts toward comforting Hunter together so he would be able to feel two times a mother’s love. I believe that night we were all getting something we desperately needed from each other.

My mom is an amazing woman.  The love and friendship we share is a result of walking through heartbreak and suffering and enduring the unthinkable together.  Had we not surrendered our lives to a purpose beyond ourselves we might not be as close as we are today.

She’s my best friend.  She’s the one who knows me better than anyone else and loves me anyway.  My mother is the one who comes when I call, for whatever reason… no matter what.  She stands in the gap… no matter how wide and deep and treacherous the gap may be.   Her prayers are most fervent on my behalf and she’s always praying.  Always.  I don’t ever have to ask her to pray for our family and me because I know she’s praying.  And she’s not only praying-she’s rallying the troops to pray too.  Because she gets it.  It’s crystal clear to her that we can’t do this alone, that she and my dad can’t carry the burden for us… we need help.  We need prayer warriors bending the knee for our entire family.  We need the troops to rally, and she’s not afraid to ask-she’ll do anything to take care of her family.

I’ll never forget an experience with my mother during a typical service at our church one Sunday morning.  Occasionally at our services the senior pastor would ask those of us in the congregation to raise our hands if we had any pressing needs that required prayer.  People seated nearby would then gather around and lay their hands on the one requesting prayer. Once he was sure those desiring to be prayed for had the necessary support, our pastor would then pray.  The prayer services are very biblical, but coming from a traditional Catholic background the whole laying on of hands concept was intimidating.  Moving your hands (or any part of your body for that matter) at all during a church service was not something we were accustomed to.  So even though my son struggled to breathe every single day of his life and I had every reason (and then some) to raise my hand for prayer, I didn’t.  Pride.

But then my mom came to service with us and she was so bold… she raised her hand.  Sure enough all these people moved in to place their hands on her and I was standing right next to her and so I placed my hand on her shoulder… and then our pastor prayed.  After watching my mother move and behave with such courage that day, things changed.  We were both in tears when prayer was over and I leaned over and whispered to my mom.  “I can’t believe you raised your hand.  I’m so proud of you.”  And she looked at me and said “Jill, I’ll do anything for Hunter, anything.”  And she did, she always did. And she still does.

I don’t deserve to have her in my life and yet she’s my mom, my cheerleader, and the one I talk to everyday about everything and anything.

She didn’t have to leave her six-figure job when Hunter got sick… but she did.  She didn’t have to take care of Hunter as often as she did so that I could get some rest… but she did… gladly.  I want to be more like her.  I want to pour out my life for the sake of others the way she does.  I want to have a generous heart that lives to encourage people and give in abundance… a heart like my mom’s.  I want to spend my life for the sake of making someone else’s day a little better–because that’s what she does, everyday.  When I’m in line at the McDonald’s drive thru I want to buy lunch for the strangers behind me or bless the worker with a huge smile–because that’s what my mom does.  All the time.  I want to spread joy too and see things most people miss because they’re too busy.  I want to listen… really listen with my ears and my heart… like she does.

She doesn’t just care about her family, she cares about people, strangers… people she doesn’t even know.  Her compassion spreads to everyone who crosses her path or that needs her prayer.   People notice her smile and the passion and joy that radiate from her.  This is not just a trait a daughter sees in a wonderful mother, it’s obvious to all that know her.  And as strange as it may be in these self-absorbed times, people that don’t even know her sense the way she sincerely cares about them when their lives touch.  They see that she’s different.

My daughter Erin said something to me not too long ago that captures the kind of woman my mom is.  “Mom, I hope this doesn’t make you feel bad or anything but I love Grammie as much as I love you.”   Erin loves my mother.  They have such a close bond that I wouldn’t doubt it if Erin told my mother her deepest secrets, secrets she hasn’t even shared with me.  Grammie is trustworthy and faithful and yet she’s not perfect.  No one is.  Her weaknesses and imperfections are just another opportunity for her to display a trust in the Lord that makes you want to run to Him for everything.

She’s a control freak, or type A personality, and in many ways so am I.  She’s meticulously professional, writes everything down and knows her schedule but I’m not organized like that.  I’m getting much better but she’ll be the first one to tell you that I need help.  In fact she’s the first one to call me out on any area in my life that needs some adjusting–in other words, she’s not afraid to get in my face when I need it.  And sometimes (more often than I’d like to admit) I need to be told the truth–in love of course. We’re a lot alike and yet very different but what we do have in common makes all the difference.

We both love Jesus and desire to love Him more.  If we talk and He’s not part of our conversation, there’s something seriously wrong.  We’ll often call each other with a “God-story” or share a specific scripture either one of us needs to hear at just the right time.  I feel blessed beyond measure.  I know how awesome God is because He blessed me with a mother who is a teacher, best friend, and sister in Christ.

Our relationship and close friendship hasn’t always been so incredible.  Not because of anything my mother has done however. I joined a sorority as a college freshman, need I say more.  Although I was a put-together-mess, she loved me anyway and so did my dad, even though he didn’t always show it.  I don’t know if I would’ve been as patient and loving as they were.  As rocky as the road I chose to travel down grew, the more grace my mother extended.  And then I met Jim.

Somehow in the midst of it all, she was able to extend more grace and more love.  How did she do it?  The strain on the relationships in our family as a result of Jim’s choices, my weaknesses and Hunter’s sickness was evident at times. And though my mother and father had their own issues to wrestle with, they’re still married and the way our culture continues to move, that’s huge.

As a mother now myself, I recognize the limitless sacrifices, selfless devotion, and faithful love my mom poured out for my younger brother and me all those years.  Her commitment to family was evident in her constant giving, loving discipline, and tender encouragement. I don’t know where I’d be or how I would have met the daunting challenges I faced if not for her example of what love and motherhood are all about.

I can’t wait to watch Hunter and my mother snuggle again someday and I can only imagine what he’ll say to her when he sees her again.  He loves her so much and so do I.