July 25, 2011

what a family looks like…

It would be almost impossible to describe what this last week has been like for our family.  The last day of the Hunter’s Hope Family & Medical Symposium was yesterday.  I’m not a fan of “good-byes” so this day is always bitter sweet.

We laughed.

Cried – a lot.

Hugged.

Prayed.

Ate – way too much.

Stayed up late.

Snuggled sick children.

Watched as children with disease performed at the annual talent show.

Listened.

Spoke words of encouragement, fear, frustration and hope.

We loved.

It’s hard to explain, but for the first time I felt like I actually experienced what Jesus talked about when He prayed that His followers would be ONE.

The deep heartbreak and joy that we have all experienced has unified us in such a way that we are one.  We’re family.  We would literally lay down our lives for each other.  We work together in humility because we get it. It’s powerful.  Strong. Real.  Beyond human comprehension.

And what pierces my heart the most about this is the fact that our greatest loss brought us here. Our deepest pain is what continues to weave our tapestry of love.  Suffering has bound our hearts unbreakable.

Even as I write this I’m reminded of this verse:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55:8

That God would choose to bring us together through suffering is beyond my comprehension.  The cross – the perfect example of this – is His way – which is higher, beyond my way – our ways.  He’s God.  All that He is and does is far greater than our ability to grasp.  It should be.  If we could figure Him out, He wouldn’t be God anymore.  He would be a man-made god in our image rather than the magnificent, beyond understanding, awesome, Creator that He is.

This facebook message I received today from a teenager named Zac (who has a brother named Trevor in Heaven) sums it up:

“Thank you so much!! It really means a lot. I wouldn’t trade a single thing for our “family”. Although I wish we hadn’t had to become family under these circumstances, but God works in mysterious ways and I’m so thankful to be as close to your beautiful family, especially your three amazing children.”

Yes, He works in mysterious ways and yet His ways are perfect.

For Him to bring a bunch of strangers together through suffering – making us One – a family through Him is – well…love.  His for us and ours for each other.

I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you.  May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me…May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.  John 17: 20- 23

July 20, 2011

blessings…

Blessings.

What does it mean?

What does it look like?  Feel like?

When you hear this word, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? Answer to prayer?  Comfort? Healing? Joy? Faith?  What?

When I hear this word – blessing – the first thought that fills my mind is suffering.  Yes, suffering.  His for us.

This would not have been my response ten, even five years ago.  No, it’s a response that has been pressed deep within my marrow over time.  It’s a response that has been cultivated in the soil of my heart by a good God.  A God who chose to give us what we desperately needed rather than what we prayed for.

I don’t get it. No, my questions still out-number my answers, but the blessing isn’t found in the answer.  It’s found in Him.  He is the greater “YES”.  He is the blessing in the valley, in the midst of it all.

I wouldn’t know this had God not allowed me to watch my son, Hunter, suffer.  I wouldn’t know this if I didn’t find myself hopeless, empty handed, desperate, needy, broken.  I wouldn’t know this if He chose to heal and answer my prayers the way I wanted them answered.

I wouldn’t know that blessings come through raindrops, darkness, tears, sleepless nights, broken bodies, broken hearts, suffering.

Don’t let the disguises of this life – the world, doubt, fear, and the enemy – keep you from Him. He is the blessing!

These lyrics from the song Blessings – by Laura’s Story capture what I’m trying to share here. Enjoy!  And please share what comes to your mind when you hear the word “blessings”.

Blessings – Laura’s Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

July 1, 2011

the end of my rope…

Okay, here’s the deal.  I’m at the end of my rope.  My patience is threadbare. If I chose to pull my hair out, I’d be bald.  Wits end. Exasperated. Frustrated.  Begging God. Crying.  Seeking counsel.

Now, I’m going to invite you into this.

I wouldn’t blame you at all if you stop reading this right now.  Who wants more drama?  We all have enough of our own – right?!  So run Forest, run…run as fast as you can (Just in case you have no idea what I’m talking about – I’m referring to the movie Forest Gump – a classic).

Seriously, if you read this and have insight you’d like to share – PLEASE do.  Maybe you’ve been where I am.  Maybe God has blessed you with great wisdom and discernment.  Or maybe you’re in a similar predicament and just need to vent.  No this isn’t misery loves company.  It’s real people, sharing real life.

Here’s the deal.

Over the past six months or so, people that love our family deeply have privately approached Jim and me.  Each of these people in their own loving way have tried to tell us that they see some not so good things happening to our family.  Specifically, (but not so specific as to give details), these family members and close friends have pretty much told us that they see people in our lives taking advantage of us, negatively influencing our children, creating an ungodly atmosphere, causing disrespect amongst each other and towards Jim and I as parents.

We have taken everything that we’ve been told to God through prayer.  Even praying together (Jim and me) –which is always a big deal for us.  This morning, I wrote this in my journal “Lord, I’m begging You to do something. Please intervene.  If you won’t change our circumstances, please change me.  Change us.  Help.”

I realize I’m not being very forthright with detailed information.  If I dished it all here smoke would billow out your ears while flames burst out of your mouth.  Or worse.

If you know me at all – you know I’m kidding.  Sort of trying to make light in a dark situation.

I guess what I’m asking is this.  What do you do when people (family, friends) around you – that love you – see what you already see and know yet feel almost powerless to change?

In Christ, I am not a victim.  I am more than a conqueror through Him.

Help!

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”  Romans 8:37

Love,

Your friend and wounded warrior, Jill

P.S. – I just read this: “When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” Love this.  But I think I’d rather let go of the rope and cling to Him for dear life!  Have a blessed 4th of July weekend friends.  Freedom is found in Christ alone…and it cost Him His very life!

June 22, 2011

satin pink sashes in the moment…

We were scurrying around trying to get everything done.  Jim and his crew of buddies were dealing with the stuff that guys usually take care of while I focused on the details and decorating.  It seemed like we had been preparing for this day for weeks.  Erin’s Sweet 16^th Birthday Party.

It was two o’clock in the afternoon.  With only four hours left, there was still so much that had to be done before her guests would arrive.  Centerpiece table decorations, final testing of the twinkle lights scattered all over our backyard, back-up toilet paper in bathrooms (funny – but true)…and the tying of the fuchsia pink sashes.

That’s when it happened.  During the tying of beautiful satin sashes.

“Enjoy this moment.  Right now! As you tie bows, I’m here with you.  Your daughter is sixteen.”

It was as if God sat down at the table…right next to me.  While I was feverishly tying a splash of pink all around the tent, He was there.  Reminding me to enjoy the moment.  So right there under the white tent filled with pink sashes and sparkle, I paused.  While the hustle and bustle continued all around me, I stopped.  And thanked God.  For Erin…for the gift of life and breath…her life and the blessing of every moment that God has given to our family.

And in that moment God gently reminded me that every good and perfect gift comes from Him…including pink satin sashes…the celebrating of turning sixteen…sunshine when the forecast said rain…and moments that turn into memories we never forget.

…the gift is in the moment.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.  James 1:17

June 14, 2011

adopting Luke…

I just got off the phone with a very dear friend of our family.  He called asking for prayer.  His wife is heading to Russia to bring home their son.  His name is Luke.  In less than two weeks he will start a new life with a new mom and dad.  A new brother.  A new home.  A new everything.

I could almost feel the love and excitement as my friend talked about little Luke.

“He loves him already.”  I said to myself as I grabbed my journal and started to pray.

He loves him already!

Adoption.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that our pastor shared the riches of truth on this topic just a few days ago. So now I’m pondering over this again and I’m inviting you to do the same.

“For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight.  In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will – to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.”  Ephesians 1:4-6

God…the Creator of time and space and all that is, has chosen to adopt us (you and me…and little Luke) as His sons and daughters…through His One and Only Son, Jesus.  I can’t even begin to wrap my mind, much less my heart around this. Before He created the world and all that is…HE already LOVED us.  With jaded past, a life mess to unfold…He saw you; He saw me…and He loved us.  Because of His beyond comprehension love we have been adopted into a forever family.  A love that will never perish, spoil or fade away.  And it was His pleasure.  How can we not stand in awe of a God like this? A God who loves already…fully, perfectly, completely, forever.  In Christ, you are His daughter/son.  All of you…past, present, future.

Little Luke isn’t perfect…but he is perfectly loved.  Not because of anything he has done or didn’t do but because a mom and dad he doesn’t even know yet chose to love him already.  This is the love of God.  This is a grace freely given.

Adoption.

When mom and dad open the door of their home in less than a few weeks and bring this precious child into all that God would have for him…he won’t have to earn his keep or prove himself in any way.  All that they have will be freely given, all for him. He has been chosen and adopted.  He is already loved.

And so are you.

(Oh my goodness!  I could spend forever unearthing this glorious treasure! Love.  Grace. Please, if you have an adoption story…share it!)

June 4, 2011

thank you for the rain

I hear the sound.  And as I look out the window I see it.

Rain.

Falling wet and gray.

With windows cracked open it’s the sound that invites a brief nap.

Nourishment for trees and plants that grow.

The watering of the Earth that is His…all His.

And as I listen and look, I’m thinking of you.

And I’m thankful!

I’m thankful for the blessing of words on paper that seem to matter only to me…until shared and read by strangers that become far away friends.  Like drops of rain that fall upon needy ground.  Taking it all in.  Longing to be fed and nourished.

We long for the sun that shines bright and warms deep…but we need the rain.

We…need…the…rain.

To break up the dry ground…and fill the emptiness, the cracks that expose and need mending.

And so we take it all in…His Word…our words to each other.

And…we grow…

Because of…the rain.

(As we share moments here I want you to know that your words are like rain…nourishing…healing…THANK YOU for sharing)

Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like the showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants. I will proclaim the name of the LORD.  Oh praise the greatness of our God! He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just.  Deuteronomy 32:2-3

June 3, 2011

Everything…

What is this?

“…, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.”  Luke 14:33 (NIV)

Jesus said this.

He said “everything”…which usually means everything…all things, excluding nothing.

Let’s take a look at a few other Bible versions.

“So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple.” (New King James)

“So then, any of you who does not forsake (renounce, surrender claim to, give up, say good-bye to) all that he has cannot be My disciple.” (Amplified)

“So then, none of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions.” (New American Standard)

“Simply put, if you’re not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it good-bye, you can’t be my disciple.” (The Message)

Everything…all…renounce, surrender, give up…what is dearest to you…ALL.

I’m a wreck over this verse right now.  Here I thought my quiet time this morning was going to be quiet.  You can’t read these words and not stop.  And think.  And pray!

When Jesus said everything…He meant it.

So what does this mean to me…to you?

Here’s what I wrote in my journal this morning:

Have I given up everything?  I long to be Your disciple.  Actually, I think I am Your disciple but this verse freaks me out; it sort of scares me. If I’m uncomfortable and doubting right now, is this just my over analytical self or is this the searching of my heart that You’re so good at.  Search me, O Lord…and know my anxious thoughts on this.  Reveal the real me.

What does this “giving up everything” look like?  Is it…surrendering…my time, my rights, control, expectations, my agenda, comfort, money, time, talent, health, resources…ownership of everything?

Does it mean answering the phone when I don’t want to?  Being gracious to Jim when I’d much rather spout off at him in frustration? Listening to rather than just hearing what people are saying all around me – especially my children?  Giving up? Holding on to everything loosely or not holding on at all?

Help me understand?  Help me to forsake all…everything…surrender…say good-bye…give up.  Help me do whatever You require of Your disciples.  Because if I’m not one of Yours, I don’t want to be anything.  I can’t breathe without You.  You wouldn’t tell me to surrender everything if it wasn’t for the sake of Your glory and for my good.  So help me Lord…please help me…

I’m pretty sure this is one of those moments where I need to stop everything (even in the midst of the doing that must be done if you know what I mean) and listen…

Are you with me?

What does everything look like for you?

Does it look like a life all wrapped up in a pretty red gift box?  Or is it all the not so pretty stuff too?

May 25, 2011

How it feels to be Held…

As usual I’ve been doing a lot of pondering, thinking, praying and such since Jim’s back surgery and Camryn’s visit to the ER yesterday.

Life is fragile.

Every breath is a gift.

The fragility and preciousness of life reminds me of a Natalie Grant song called Held.  I can’t listen to this song unless I’m sequestered in a room with a box of tissues.

This is how it feels to be held…

How it feels when the sacred is torn and you survive…(Natalie Grant)

When the King of Kings and architect of the universe was born into the very world He held together, through a young Jewish virgin named Mary,

He was held…

Though it defies human reason, The Living God, known by such majestic names and titles as: Wonderful Counselor, The Word Become Flesh, Healer of the Nations, Emmanuel (God with us), the Prince of Peace, and so many others; endured the trauma of childbirth. And like all of us, made the grueling journey from the comfort and safety of the womb, to the shelter of His mother’s loving arms.

“While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son.  She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.” (Luke 2:6-7 NIV)

She held Him.

And He held the very hill He was executed upon in His hands…

Thirty-three years later the Father would once again have the Sacred torn on that Roman cross.  Was it the Father’s plan for His precious Son to die? To have the Sacred torn as a ransom for all mankind? To watch and weep from Heaven as His heart was torn?

And the Father watched…

As sinful hands held His Son…

Is it part of the Father’s plan to take the sacred from our lives just as the Sacred was torn from His life? I don’t think we will ever grasp “why” here on this earth. But thankfully, God has revealed Himself through the pages of His Word so that we can know Him rather than the answers to all our pressing pleas.   He is the answer to the why. We can trust Him with the loss we suffer, the tearing of the sacred, because He feels what we feel. He gets it. He knows what it feels like…

To be held.

When I held my firstborn daughter, Erin for the first time, I wept.  I could not comprehend how this child, so soft and beautiful came from me.  I lovingly explored every inch of her fresh little newborn body—just to make sure everything was okay—two hands, ten fingers, and ten toes.  As a mother, you know what I mean.  Our greatest fear as a parent is that something might be wrong with our child—something that we cannot fix; a hurt we cannot mend, a tear we cannot wipe away, a question we cannot answer.  I wonder if Mary felt that way? The Bible doesn’t reveal Mary’s emotions or thoughts when Jesus was born.  However, if we can be so bold—she was human.  She was a real person, just like you and me.  So I think it’s safe to speculate what Mary might have been thinking or feeling during those first few moments of her precious Son’s life.

Is He okay? Ten fingers, ten toes—will He be healthy?  Will He be a handful or a compliant youngster?

What did Jesus’ cry sound like? Just as we can recognize our own infant’s cry in the midst of hundreds of other cries, Mary knew the cry of her Son, the Savior.  How can we possibly comprehend that?  Try to imagine it with me for a moment…

What did it feel like to hold the Lamb of God?  To wipe His tears?

I’m sure the questions were endless.  Much like the many questions we as parents face in these uncertain times, Mary and Joseph must have pondered similar apprehensions—maybe less sophisticated, but just as frightening. But Mary “…treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” (Luke 2:19 NIV)

I think it’s fair to say that Mary treasured up all these things and held them in her heart—just as God holds us in so many ways…

God the Father sent His One and Only Son into the world as a baby…

…And He was held.

Held…

By corruptible, sinful hands but held none the less.

Held…

Jesus knew what it felt like to be held by His mother.

We too know what it’s like to be held.

We’re often comforted by hands that God has purposely placed in our lives to hold us.  During times of great need many hands often surround us not only in a physical sense but in a spiritual sense as well

And we are held…

…through prayer.

When my “sacred” one and only son, Hunter, was torn from my life…

I survived because…

I was held.

Held…

By the grace and love of God.

Held…

By the promise of an eternal life to come.

Held…

By the wounds of Christ that set me free.

Held…

To be held by the Father is to survive, and even more it is to triumph when the sacred is torn from your life.

The “sacred” is different things to different people.

But torn is torn and tears are tears in any language, circumstance, or relationship.

The loss of a marriage to divorce or death

The sacred bond between two people—forever broken.

The heart-wrenching death of a child.

The loss of a parent.

…All treasured and all sacred.

No matter the heartbreak; the emotional and spiritual damage are very real and at times debilitating.

It is in these fragile, gathered moments that make up life’s stormy seasons that…

You

are

held…

Held

in the very hands that fashioned you…

He knows your pain.

And He knows how it feels…

…to be held.

Whatever it is that you’re going through right now…I hope this reminds you that the One who loves you more than you can imagine is holding you.

May 18, 2011

Marriage…What I didn’t know when I got married.

The smell of fresh cut roses filled the air. You could hear a pin drop in the sanctuary.  As Jim professed his love and commitment, tears cascaded down my cheeks.  It was our wedding day!  And it was perfect.

Perfect.

Today marks fifteen years that Jim and I have been married and completely imperfect.  To think that we have come this far…together…is mind boggling, to say the least.  I wrote the following for this website over a year ago and it still sums up how I feel today:

Marriage is hard.

And I’m not very good at it.

That’s why I need Jesus.

Being married reveals my inadequacies and weaknesses.

It exposes my heart and reveals the depth of my need.

It’s risky.

And shakes me out of my comfort zone when I least expect it.

Through my husband, I see my need for a Savior in the most profound ways.

I see my selfishness and arrogance.

I’m more aware of my desperate need for prayer.

I can’t be the wife my husband needs, the wife my children need to see modeled in our home…I can’t be her…without

HIM.

In fact, I believe it’s impossible for marriage to work apart from the One who holds all things…and works all things together for good.

I used to wonder if I married the right person.

But now I know.

I believe God brought my husband and me together for such a time as this to become a living example that He can and will do the impossible.

I love my husband.

The love that God has poured into our hearts for each other is what sustains us when the road we’re traveling down becomes treacherous.

It’s a love that is patient and kind…that keeps no record of wrongs.

It’s a love that hopes, endures and never fails.

So what I’ve learned thus far is this…

It’s not about me…

Without a doubt I came into this relationship naïve and selfish.  For years I carried around hopes, dreams and expectations like a monkey on my back …a burden that my husband was never meant to fulfill in any way, shape or form.  It took me a long time (too long) to recognize that everything…including my marriage is about Jesus.  He is the hope giver, dream creator and expectation fulfiller. He’s it.  Everything.  When it’s all about Him…marriage takes on a whole new meaning.

May 16, 2011

Attention All Caregivers…Moms…Dads…Grandmas…YOU…

Taking care of my precious son, Hunter, during his brief eight and a half years provided some of the most memorable, joy-filled moments as well as the scariest challenges of my entire life.  Now, as I care for my husband, Jim, as he regains strength and recovers from back surgery, I’m reminded of the days with our son.

I’m reminded of the many sleepless nights…
…the tears when no one was looking
…the sacrificing of comfort in order to comfort someone else
…living beyond yourself…depending on God in an even deeper, desperate way
…being thankful for the gift of health…breath…life
…joy in the midst of suffering
…patience beyond human ability
…hope greater than our circumstances
…anticipation of life beyond this one
…discovering God’s beauty in the most unlikely places

And…

I remember well the fear…
…hearts broken open
…anguish beyond words
…desperation in prayer
…confusion and frustration
…doubt and unbelief.

I’ve learned more while taking care of my two boys (yes, Jim is still a “boy”) than I would’ve learned in any other life circumstance.
I’m thankful…humbled…hopeful…and even more desperate for God today than I was yesterday.

Will you share what it’s like for you?
If you’re spending yourself for the care of another, would you be willing to tell me about your experience thus far?

What is your greatest joy?

What is your greatest fear?

What frustrates you the most?

What’s your greatest challenge?

What have you learned?

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ flow into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.”  
2 Corinthians 1:3-5