May 14, 2014

Talking to God about Ben…Nicole and cancer.

 A few days ago, a dear friend of mine, Nicole, died.

Today, I picked my daughter, Camryn, up from school and the first thing she said was, “Did you know that little Ben died?”

Both from cancer.

Ben left behind his 5-year-old twin brother, Jack.

Nicole left behind twin sons, both 5-years-old – Trevor who has Krabbe disease and his brother, Tyler.



I don’t understand.

I can’t help ask…WHY, God, WHY?

Why not a miracle for Ben and Nicole?

You’re the God who heals all of our diseases.

You still perform miracles in our day.

So many people prayed for Ben.

So many people prayed for Nicole.


Like the paralytic who was carried to Jesus by his four desperate friends…we all carried Ben and Nicole to you.


If we can’t run to You with the depths of our despair, where else can we go?

The weight of this pain is overwhelming.

Lord, how will You work all this together for good?


Will all of this bring You glory?

Help us find You in the midst of all this despair and anguish.

My faith is drowning in a sea of tears.

I’m trying to keep my head above water but I can’t seem to catch my breath.

I can’t even move or open my mouth to scream for help.

It’s like I’m paralyzed.


What is this?

Is it heartbreak?





Did we focus so intensely on the healing that we took our eyes off of You, the Healer?

Don’t You hate cancer too?

So many questions.

So many tears.

And even now, my heart longs to praise You.

To give You thanks.


Maybe because, it’s okay that I don’t understand.

It’s okay that I don’t know why.

It’s okay because no matter what, no matter who, no matter why…


You’re still good.

You’re still gracious, merciful, loving, kind, long-suffering.

You’re still big enough for my doubt, unbelief, and fear.

You’re still the One who understands.

You’re still the One who saves, forgives, redeems.

You’re the ONLY ONE.

And right now that’s enough.

It has to be.

Because in the midst of this we still seek YOU…in the midst of the tears, despair, doubt, questions…YOU understand it all.

You’re the only One who does.


“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8